His used underpants went in the fridge and the ham in the washing machine
The door key went in the teapot and the teabag into his jeans
Ben Todger: Remember Not to Worry
Got to laugh, eh? So as we teeter on the edge of what used to be the Silly Season, we do. Sort of.
Our thanks to Ben Todger (a pen-name), who has turned his pen to poetry in retirement from the news desk, for this Sceptical poetry post. The well travelled Todger is disarming company. You’ll find him on a bar stool in the local, grappling with the madnesses of the moment, lighting the blue touch paper with mischief aforethought.
Of Corona’s Report he says: “I wanted to upset everybody, including myself. Half the problem with the world is that half the people take themselves too seriously. The other half don’t take themselves seriously enough.The Alzheimer’s one (Remember Not to Worry) was written with that time in mind that most sentient beings experience: the moment in the creaking early hours when you stir and fear “what if?” Then you realise you can only laugh at dread.”
Corona’s Report
We used to point our fingers in scorn At a failing and deluded beast Our scheming brainwashed enemy The evil empire in the East Their dangerous despots made bad laws Dissidents dangled in the breeze Informers sold their neighbours out Their country was wracked by a dreaded disease Well one's arrived here, or so we're told Obey the rules of the mighty state Be obedient while there's time Or you could simply end up late So people complied in respectful droves Went inside and shut their doors Believing what their betters said Obeying requests and ignoring the flaws Statistics took over and fortunes were told Scientists joined up to save the day Politicians hid behind graphs Don't do as we do; do as we say It all began to fall apart when Cummings And Sage statisticians starred Experts and scientists all agreed You can't have an inch - take well over a yard Hippocrates, daddy of them all Wouldn't have had a cure or hope Nor did his doctor disciples, so They simply prescribed wet hands and soap Why keep digits scrubbed and safe? Instructions shouldn't be needed a lot As it turns out they damn well were How to wash their hands fools clean forgot Derbyshire coppers dyed a lake Cambridge's Plod were filled with bile They helped to ruin Trinity lawn Then deigned to bully a Tesco aisle Drones beat wasps to a Peak picnic The Welsh told visitors not to go there Sturgeon's Scots craved independence What people wish for they should beware Ludicrous Hancock took TV briefings With scripted questions and fake malice He answered people backed by hindsight With petulance from a poison chalice A trio like rabbits caught in headlights Public glare that troubled their hearts When the experts saw their guesses fail They simply produced alternative charts People in lockdown missed lots of things Beer and bars; staying prim lost its art But at five o'clock on the telly The podium manikins still looked smart You knew things had grown ridiculous When Blair's Goebels and Cummings were vying Then Alastair Campbell dared to come out To blatantly say someone else was lying ???? While we were still busy laughing (The unbalanced fool left us honking) A not-so-super injunction was made: A Boris decree put a ban on bonking ???? As pandemic panickers stayed in situ Experts and pundits ranted and nattered Police were ordered to guard a statue Because vandals discovered that black lives mattered Bristol police had abandoned their duty The Thunberg quislings didn't waver They took sides again to ignore the law And kneel on the neck of a metal slaver Everyone turned off the BBC Their entertainers twisted the news They didn't try to report the facts Simply crossed their legs and exposed their views Medical experts settled old score Dom drove a car to test his eyes Government hustlers ignored their own edicts Had sex then ejaculated lies Tape marks went down outside food stores Where the queues were measured and formal Then as soon as customers got inside They jostled and bumped each other as normal But when evening fell, dark forces stirred In furtive street and window frame Curtain-twitching neighbourhood spies Put Securitate and Stasi to shame Pupils were meant to return to class But the teachers wouldn't go back to school Heads and truants all agreed There's a good chance to reinstate union rule A doomed generation, the Leftists roared A privilege charter - or some such Considering how our rulers behaved Posh education doesn't help much Furloughed parents were split on the issue Redundancy threatened to end on the skids Keep taking the money or back to employment But who was there to look after the kids? Cecil Rhodes' Oxford likeness was doomed But why stop at effigies and looks? Why not let mobs demolish the college? And after that exercise, start burning books Amidst this mayhem and rioting Social distancing didn't matter a lot Some most in peril massed in protest It seemed maybe they were losing the plot Worst virus scare the world had known When health and safety were being hit Supposed sane people were choosing to fight Over models of corpses on which pigeons shit One paper above all encouraged the rabble To destroy the statues. Had it gone mad? Its founder had preyed upon slaves and child labour Hypocrisy? What? The Grauniad? Facebook and Twitter abandoned reality A sop for retard silly-billies Harry Potter's bloody wand Couldn't make women be born with willies And where was Boris all this time? The prolific dad spent a long time in bed Ill with the virus, lucky not dead Didn't even molest the nurses (it's said) The only thing missing in this mess Was something to thwart an avenger's aim Though it's a sickness and nobody's fault It's still good to have somebody to blame Our system allows everyone to judge Democracy is really cool We don't realise that they're all the same Parties just divide and fool So after this plague has come and gone When we're destitute and out of fun The Starmerists can plot revenge And be in charge for the next big one
Remember Not To Worry
His used underpants went in the fridge and the ham in the washing machine
The door key went in the teapot and the teabag into his jeans
He rushed to answer the doorbell when he heard the microwave ping
And he went to the next room constantly but never remembered a thing
He turned off the outside light at dusk so his daughter wouldn’t take fright
Then wandered into the kitchen to leave the tap on all night
He heard someone saying stupid old man and assumed they were talking parrots
Then he quaffed detergent for lemonade and found that it contained carrots
He used the stairs for something a lot but pretty soon stepped down
Then when he wondered why he’d gone he only came up with a frown
When he went out for the paper he came back with a loaf of bread
And he took his book to the cleaners and his shirt to the library instead
He sublimely used the rubbish bin when he went to send a letter
And when he’d posted the cat litter the mail didn’t smell any better
His wife fretted about Alzheimer’s and really worried a lot
So did he occasionally
But mostly he forgot
Ben Todger
Featured image: Jaybot ‘Probably for Captain Tom, but we enjoyed it too’ CC BY-SA 2.0
Qgino di Campagna says
Interesting pen name [‘ben’ is mountain or peak and ‘todger’, well we all know what that is; so is this a man with extension pretensions? Or is he being ironic?]. To the writing: perhaps Ben is a poet who should take his talents more seriously. He’s fun, precise. Corona’s report [a neat pun which makes me suspect his news desk activity included subbing] is a sustained witty reminder of the lunacy all around us, often as latent as the virus itself. More please. Thank you