Wha’s aboot oor Bubblyjock vote?

T’is wan maist mad, foolish, deidly wurgame!

Robert McDowell

Sco’ish ballad Yuletide Denner ode

frae ae Professor fer von Poser 2019

*Note: Bubblyjock is Scots for Turkey as edible roast.

Wisnae flights o’fancy f’monie t’think/Brexit’s a pairt o’ Breetish tradition./ Siclike Bubblyjock f’Yuletide denner,/No fish, doddies o’ beef wi’ dumplin’/ In history nae dout t’is richt foreign,/ Gate here frae Yankee Thanksgivin’.

Environment, Food ‘n Rural Affairs
ha’ red aa’ oor burd fairmers
T’keep ‘em burds inby f’tae stap
ae catchin’ dreaded avian braxies.
In turn thay red oor bubblyjock-guzzlin’ ain folk ‘boot t’riskiness

Sayin’ “totally nae need t’cancel oor Yuletide denner festivityniss!”

Whitfer we’s slaister turkey onieway?/Sin fifteen seventy-three’s whan,/
O’ eighteen sixties time whan we ae enfranchised workin’-class men./ Agane noo f’Christmas votin’,/ ownlie seicont time ae fer monie centuries!

Oor ancien’ traditions ha’ sole, cod,/beef, duck, lamb, soups wi’ stovies/ We’re lang noo roastin’ immigrants/frae America whur wance war wile/ Frae Canada t’Gulf o’ Mexico./Emperor Montezuma ate ‘em stewed.

Oor banquets goat ‘em frae sixteenth/century Spanish French consigns Onny time o’ year wi’ cheeses, capers,/ apples, nuts ‘n fortified wines.

Demand maunt great herds crossed/intae Languedoc o’er t’Pyrenees/ Merchants shipped ‘em tae us oot frae/Bordeaux stuffed wi’ truffles

If ba’ winds delayed ‘em,/ships’ crews wiped d’gobbler burds’ arses/
Wi’ damp cloths like EU laws/‘gainst pathogens frae zoonotic viruses.

Bird flu’n swine kilt upta three hundert/ million sin Warld War Wan/
Death rates o’ fowl plagues is noo sixty/ per cent, afore havin’ bin Maist lower:/Poultry farmin’s risen returns f’billions o’ cage avians!
Bu’ allae us t’ponder aboot onny ain tapet-/ less palitical ramifications.

Twenny nineteen Brexit-split Parlia-ment orders a’ UK turkeys t’ vote/ Pejoratively said pr’aps, nae fun,/ ‘cept fer oor nationalists ye kin note./Three year, many mare years yet t’come,/no unlike York pie’s fower hoors t’bake it.

Stuff’ wi’ grosets, wee partridges ‘n pigeons,/ An’ oysters in mat set pyes encrusted.

Foules votin’ f’Christmas wis soothurn Idiom/ – frae Wikipedia ah lairnt yon/ Meanin’ suicidal wishin’ siclike Lib-Lab Pac/ winzed David Penhaligon, O’ Scot Nats sidin’ t’conter Labour as war sayd/by oul Jimmy Callaghan/
O’ turkeys votin’ Thanksgivin’ maunt/ when Mooseland’s mooses gang voted feline.

Wan pictur f’John Heartfield o’ Adolf
Hitler butcherin’ choukies o’ hens
Wis titled bi t’infamous artist,
“dinae panic t’mawn’s vegan like!”
Seventeen million voted Brexit in twenny/ sixteen wi’ electorate same’s Deutschland’s
In Thirty three wi’ mare jobless,/coincident’ly whun seventeen millions voted fer Nazi scum!

If they o’er thur wis sae like turkeys/ votin’ Christmas way back then,/Wa’s England’s excuse eighty years /awn f’believin’ in same again?/Turkeys ’re siclike brainless hens,/maist sae lesser o’ English men? Thinkin’ Europe’s internationalism/ lost its mojo, lang gang insane?

In 2000, Teresa Gorman say’d if HoC/ votes like fer Maastricht Treaty/
“It’s like turkeys votin’ ’Christmas”/, she no likin’ tha oul’ EEC.

Bertold Brecht sayd in March o ‘ Calves/T’parody a famous song, Horst Wessel,/ “Onny stupidest caufs vote f’butchers”/ (frae Schweik…. in forty-three).

Dealin’ trade ‘n palitical borders cain’t/Be wha’ they war, no, totally ain’t saim!

Wa’s t’say? Brexit’s us voluntarily climbin’
up ontae butcher’s choppin’ block?
Experts lie aboot discredited, ‘Project Fear’ /Y’hear, onny Tommy Rot, markets’ logic fears,/ Twa trillions alriddy’s gawn off UK’s siller pot!

Maist, like three quarters o’ warld trade’s/Transnational corporations’ internal deals.

Scowthe fer tae move people, goods ‘n siller/ Capitalists kin yet dae howp in!

Breastin’ turkeys wan’ only native folks/ f’basting ‘em sae y’ken trust ‘em!

P’haps dreamin’ wun day t’fly agin wi’ coloured/ plumes f’finest hatpins?

Oor burd fairmin’ lairds: Boris, Jacob, Michael,/Smith, Raab, Fox, Andrea, Sajid ‘n Nigel/
Use propaganda, fake oaths, tropes swingin’/ Aboot em like Weegee heed-banger cudgelin’./ No studied opeenions like peelin’ a kirk bell!/ Callin’ ae faithful t’simple belief in a good thing/ Future’s Heavenly thay say; cannae be Hell!

Wha’s t’be said o’ ae folk disbelievin’
oor praisent parties palitical games?
Labour’s clingin’ tae fairm-yard fence ‘n gate,/ wha’ uptails Lib Dems,
Greens, a few independents, SNP, PC, ‘n Ulster/ wans, no DUP alligned!
Wha cannae join up f’ internationalism ‘s sake/ ’n maist troublin’ times!
Noo, thay’ll hafta go wi’ t’political flow.
Hows tha’ goin’? Cryin’ – wha’s tha’ matter?/Apairt frae foreign investment in UK/ prosperity’s doon nae mairn a quairter! Bubblijocks mus’ lairn t’like chlorine wersh wi’/NHS in a gutter! Europe’ll turn his back on us./Wha’ll take up oor slack fer profit noo, em…er?

Answer’s goat tae be Roosha, Indya, Cheena, USA ‘n Canada shur’tae?
F’wha’s oan offer siclike public services o’ whit oor consumers kin pay?

Thair’s financials mak a muckle o’profit, ken, f’me o’ ye?
‘Cept oor ten biggest tradin’ partners claim/ Is thaym, no us, wa’ profits frae yon tae!

Siclike Scots if sovereign frae Indyref twa wha’s left us/ t’pay Sassenach bills?
UK’ll look tae its sae few USPs t’try t’profit frae/ new free trade deals?

Siclike bubblijocks wantin’ coloured feathers bu’ aa got left wi’ ae white quills?
Oor industrial realities o’ goods & services mak’ aa oor academics richt ill!

Comparin’ wi’ ether folks’ launds,
Brexiters’ visions kin soun’ sae bucolic
Grass’s green ‘n risin’ sea levels cannae wet oor socks mairn a wee bit.

Population rises kin be stopper’d like wan chile policy fer t’fertile Brits.
We’ll gang alang, oorsels alane, poorer, wiser y’ken, like maist alcoholics?

Wha t’need t’live in sunnier climes /Gang whaur e’re we’re no’ wanted! Internationalism’ll carry on jus’ fine/ Wi’ nane Scots o’ Brits inby o’ it!

Oor poorer folks kin be resourceful, creatively,/ Practical, aboon aa, o’ ae phlegmatically;/Characters’ll love oor new insularity,
Siclike Homerical, brill’, sae classically.

Wi’ famous dry humour, no’ cholericly. /Eccentrically we’re sae loved if less in future./Wha’s t’harm inna UK wee bit warldly cowed? /Millions o’ us kept EU citizens’ foreign passes. /We’s no sae proud nor bowed by Brexit virtue o’/ divil kin take tha hindmaist a’ aroun’.

Brexiters profess lovin’ global free trade’s liberaratin’ us frae regulation
Thoosants o’ treaties gang awa’ sayd Cummings, The no sae silent Don. No need f’ EU whan thur’s WTO Rulin’s fer ae funny games t’be won?
Ae foreign machinations frae Brussels!
So, bes’ we stope yon carry awn!

Monie say wi’ fondest self-regard “wha’s wrang aboot British Labour?”
Wi’ British Capital ‘n pluck we all’ays won chillin’ thrillin’ encounters! Why no tha’ noo?

Shuir warld’s gang wrang.
EU grunzie’s gang weaker!
Only gamblers need luck? Battle o’Britain,/ wha’s us won it wi’ Spitfires!

In Turkey proper, Erdogan calls ae shots in his fast implodin’ economy.

Charm-fuel Boris’ll drown ‘em aa in Latin tags,/ oor European enemy.
Trump’ll survive impeachin’ t’deal wi’ us so oor/ future’ll shine sae mair brightly.

An’ millions o’ Asians’ll arrive annually t’help us t’win so easily,/ aa sae kindly!

Bubblyjocks, oors, they’re sae easily herded
by focus groups-wieldin’ propagandists
Like leaf litter’s countless millions blown t’whur blowers point in wan chosen direction./ Effective, efficient, din ‘n guffy, bu’ gets aa leaf herdin’ doon richt ‘n snappy.

Palitics win votes deployin’ same ol’ agendas,/ Machines wi’ mail, tv, an’ doorstep knockers/Turkeys hear repeats gobblin’ wi’ each ether/ Nuthin’s left tae risk like drays wi’ blinkers.

Routes set oot f’voters in reins sae easy-steered/ Pas’ thinkin’ thur’s choices aboot aa’s feared/Like herdin’ cats o’ keepin’ frogs in wheel- barrows, how’s doon’s lang established creed/An’ Boris kens t’smile ae joke like nawthin’ ever messes wi’ his heed.

T’is algorithms no fer listenin’ tae folk bu’/ f’tellin’ f’cartain wha’s broke!
O’ who’s richt chap t’fix it,/ Brexit hard soft mus’/ gi’ oor aps noo new poke.

By muckle o’ deals wi’ ethers wha’s daft alriddy/ tae wooer us… nae joke.

Oor Saxon folk voted majority f’mair turkey? While whinin’ too aboot fiscal austerity, bureaucracy, o’ warse!

F’global free trade’s answer fer aa problems Globalisation’s mistook!

Rooshian oligarchs, Nigel o’ Boris wi’ Donald cosying up.

Aye, makin’ it soond siclike we’ve wun palitical fitbaa’s warld cup.

Prof. Pat Minford’s thair economy man. We joked aboot ‘im lang ago sae often.

His view’s ever same, thirty years o’ pain, Later sae worth it, whatever’s gain, or nane!

Yon long time’s nae bother no.
Turkeys die happy waitin’ monie generations?

No’ sportin’ t’say ‘til eneugh folk gree same. T’is wan maist mad, foolish, deidly wurgame!